By Sara Niva – It’s a Wednesday afternoon and I’m walking home from the gym with a successful workout in my pocket and a pleased smile on my face. I check my phone, see a few messages, scroll down, and an email pops up on my screen: ”Give your mother a gift of joy this Mother’s day!” My brain pauses, trying to make sense of the feelings that suddenly take over.
Mother’s Day is meant to be warm and fuzzy. A day filled with love, appreciation, and gratitude for all things motherhood, expressed with flowers, breakfasts in bed, and hand-made cards. Shops fill their windows with themed mugs and chocolates, and advertisements remind us not to forget the most important woman in our lives. Mother’s Day is a cultural ritual that seems universal and joyful. Yet for many people, Mother’s Day — and motherhood itself — are rarely that straightforward, and often tied to far more complex emotions.
Because the truth is that motherhood holds a sensitive and even painful place in many people’s lives. For some, it represents love, comfort, and safety. For others, it can also hold grief, disappointment, and anxiety, or questions that never got answers. The relationship between a mother and a child is often portrayed as natural or unconditional, but where do the people who don’t quite match this description fit?
Some people celebrate Mother’s Day with joy because they feel genuinely close to their mothers. Others might celebrate out of tradition or a sense of obligation. And some people approach the day with hesitation, unsure of what exactly there is to celebrate. There are people who lost their mothers too early, people who grew up carrying their mother’s burdens, people who didn’t get to experience motherhood even though they wanted to, and people whose maternal relationships never quite fit the ideal image we are used to seeing.
Then there are those for whom the word ”mother” carries absence rather than presence. Some people were raised by grandparents, older siblings, or other caregivers who stepped into that role. Others grew up navigating family situations that were far from the simple and neat picture often presented in advertisements and greeting cards. The cultural ”script” of Mother’s Day can feel like trying to tell a story that was never quite yours.
The email I received reminded me of the assumption that society often makes. Messages like these appear everywhere in the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day, subtly reminding us that celebrating our mothers is something everyone should naturally do and want. The ritual feels almost universal, as if the experience of motherhood is shared in the same way by everyone.
But family relationships rarely follow universal patterns. Anthropology reminds us that the way we understand family is shaped by culture and social expectations, and while the idea of the loving, ever-present mother is powerful, it’s also just one version within a much more complicated reality.
None of this means that Mother’s Day can’t be a beautiful celebration. For many people it’s exactly that: a day to express love and gratitude for someone who matters to them. But it’s also important to remember that not everyone experiences the day in the same way. For some, it might bring out mixed emotions and complicated memories. And that is just as much a part of the reality of motherhood as the joyful moments that are usually shown.
Cultural rituals sometimes mainly present a single, joyful story. They show us what something is ”supposed” to look like, while the reality is far more varied and complicated. Mother’s Day is no different — behind the flowers and greeting cards is an endless amount of different types of relationships, each one valid and shaped by its own history and emotions.
So maybe the best way to approach days like this is with a little more awareness. To celebrate when there is something to celebrate, but also recognize that not everyone shares the same experience, and motherhood is not universal or uncomplicated.
As I continued walking home that afternoon, I realized the pause the email had caused was a reminder of all that complexity. Motherhood can be a place of warmth and gratitude, but also of loss, distance, or unanswered questions. And both of those truths are valid and deserve the space to exist.
Sara Niva is a first year bachelor student Cultural Anthropology and Development Sociology at the VU.